One of the most dangerous things about anorexia is that you usually don’t realize you have it until you’re in deep. There are different forms of it. Typically, Anorexia Nervosa & Anorexia Bulimia are the 2 most common types. Anorexia Nervosa is commonly starving yourself to lose weight & Anorexia Bulimia is purging your food after eating.
But no one starts off wanting anorexia or at least if they do, they don’t realize the mess that follows. It usually starts off just wanting to lose weight. Your weight plagues your mind & body, you feel fat, you hate how you look in the mirror & how your body feels, so you start to take the steps to lose weight. Maybe it starts off in healthy ways, going off soda, eating right, not eating sugar. But the pounds are stubborn, they come off slow & at times, it’s all you focus on.
But that’s when Anorexia comes in. Losing weight & how you look becomes almost your every thought. You wake up thinking about it, what you’ll eat, how you look, how you can lose the weight, you go to bed thinking about it. You could start working out; that will help to some degree.
You meet a goal & you feel so good but your weight never stays the same no matter how hard you try to keep it, it fluctuates up & down. But once you start going down, you want to see how far you can go. 2 pounds under the goal, that new weight has become your goal. You keep losing & when you gain, oh crud…it ruins your whole day. You skip a meal; see if you can make up for it. Maybe the next day when you get on the scale you’ll be back down again. If not it may take several days of miserable skipping meals. You’re hungry, but its ok, you’ll be thinner again soon, pretty. People will like you; they’ll think you’re beautiful, you’ll be happy. Lies.
You may get the attention you want for a bit, but you’re struggling; struggling to eat 3 times a day, unless they’re miniscule meals or maybe just lettuce & dressing. You may be counting calories or you may be counting carbs, I’ve done both. You’re working out, eating next to nothing & you look ‘better’ but not good enough. After all, if you get lower, you’ll be thinner, you’ll lose that bulge. Hold up…you’re already 20, 30, 40 pounds lighter, you’ve passed the goal. The goal apparently wasn’t good enough, you can do better, you can get thinner, you can feel better about yourself. More lies.
People ask you to hang out & you can’t eat in front of them. You eat nothing, everything around you looks so good its torture, but you know you can’t eat it because you’ll get fat. Even one bite! It will kill you, in your head anyway. You’ve come down so far, you can’t go back. You look around at the clothes at the store that you’ve never been able to fit into & now you can. But wait…if you buy those…what if you go up again? You won’t be able to wear them. And if you go down further, they’ll just be like your other clothes you can’t fit in anymore, so baggy & loose. You’re still looking at yourself in the mirror, finding every flaw & when you eat too much, you lay in bed at night feeling it, grabbing at it, crying, wishing you could yank it off.
When will you be thin enough? Good enough? Pretty enough? When you’re thinner. Lies. You’re so thin now you have no energy. People are starting to whisper behind your back. They see how thin you are, they’re starting to tell you, you look too thin. “No, I’m not! I’m fat!” You say to them & to yourself, but everyone else around you ways more than you. Except for the short tiny girl in the corner & the pretty girls of course. Your hair is starting to fall out now. You’re miserable all of the time, but you’ve finally hit a good weight. You feel good about yourself, but you could always be thinner. You’re eating one meal a day probably, or enough to feed a baby split up 2 or 3 times.
The problem is, yes, you’re happy with how you look, but what if you go over? Yes, you have the weight down for right now but what if you eat just a little too much? You’ll go over, you’d better skip. And you’re miserable, constantly anxious about your weight & what other people see & think. You’re depressed now. Your weight is never good enough & everyone is telling you, you’re unhealthy. You look like a skeleton! Then why can’t you see it? Your body aches & you’re tired all the time. You start to care about nothing. The world turns dark & grey, where’s the color? The happiness? No one cares about you, you realize.
Sure, your mom begs you to eat & she cries. She’s afraid you’re going to die, but she probably doesn’t care either. Your friends all left now, what happened? You never want to hang out anymore. You’re too tired, you can’t eat with them, you’re too miserable, there’s nothing you have in common anymore. Because all you can think about is your pain, how you hurt, how thin you are, how thin you need to be, how miserable you are. ..Why are you even trying?
Why bother anymore? Why keep trying to live? It’s so hard, just kill yourself. No one will care.
I’m stopping here, there really isn’t much farther to go. Sure, you can cut, burn, hate yourself more than you already do. But this is what anorexia & bulimia do to you. They kill you. They torture you mind & body. This is how bad it gets unless you stop. There doesn’t seem any hope at this point, but there is.
There’s Jesus. Jesus never leaves you through your pain, your depression; no matter what it is, He doesn’t leave you. He didn’t leave me through anorexia. He was the only thing that brought me out the other side when I felt I had no one & nothing. The hope you can hold onto, is that Jesus, your hope. Will never let you down & never let you go. You may go through a lot, but He will never leave your side & He will bring you through the night to the morning, no matter how painful the situation. It’s hard to trust The Maker of the Universe that holds your life in His hand without faltering. But I promise, He’s got this. He’s got you.